I hate squirrels

I hear there are about 365 known species of squirrels, making it possible to have a new squirrel every day of the year, except leap years.

On Monday, I tried to make it a "leap year" for one squirrel, but the mangy gray rodent got away, but not really. I’ll get to that later.

Did you know that squirrels are from the order "Rodentia?" I didn’t either until I looked it up. I read that there are 1650 different mammals in that (Rodent) order, making it the largest on Earth, comprising about 40% of all living mammals. 40% of the mammals on earth are rats, and squirrels are leading the way!

They're insidious!

"Rodentia" huh? Sounds like "rat" to me.

Look at your basic gray squirrel, and imagine the little bastard with a pointy nose and a hairless tail? It’s a rat, really, and a very stupid rat as well. After all, we wouldn’t use the colloquial "squirrelly" to describe someone we feel is a bit nuts if we didn’t think squirrels were crazy, stupid, or both, would we?

Many squirrels are covered with fleas, and all of them will steal food while they poop in your pantry and then they’ll nest in your attic without a second thought, because they are stupid, filthy little rodents!

Squirrels are not cute…ever. Chipmunks are cute, but they’re rats too. We think Chipmunks are cute because we all love Chip and Dale, but there aren’t any lovable cartoon squirrels, are there?

So, Monday... 

At about 2:00 P.M. that day, I am sitting and reading at my dining room table when I catch some movement out of the corner of my eye. To my left is a window, and there is a squirrel on the ledge.

Big deal, right?

Well yes, as the window ledge is a second floor ledge about 18 feet up the side of a brick building. There is no way for a critter to get to that ledge unless it climbs up about 14 feet of brick, and that’s what this little rat had done.

Before the fall?

I looked at the rat and made a quick move with my body to open the window a bit wider that caused the little bastard to move half off the ledge, like he was some trick rider from an old western movie?  You know, the type of stunt in which the rider seemingly disappears but is really hanging on to the side of the galloping pony?

"What the hellurayadoin?" I asked, as I moved to open the screen, while grabbing a back-scratcher with which to scrape him off the ledge.

The squirrel shuddered, so in my best hillbilly voice I evoked that classic scene in the movie "Deliverance."

I told the rat "You ain’t never gettin to Aintree!"

The scuzzy gray rat had his chance to become the 366^th different squirrel right then. He could have become the "Leap Year" species, but no.  This squirrel, was a coward.

He scrambled along the brick like some weak suck imitation of Spider Rat, red brick dust coating his mangy fur, and got away…or so he thought.

That's Crunch, on the left, like I need to tell you.

I immediately got in touch with my buddies Crunch Hartack and Rock Beafy, and as you can see, they got the piece of garbage…and a half, and his orchestra.

Squirrels are not cute, and now squirrels and their rodent friends and fellow travelers are only 39.999999999% of all the living mammals in the world.

From Crunch, Rock, and myself, you’re welcome.